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Birthing an Untethered Life

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The old ways have broken apart, the strands that bind are no longer strands

Shadows linger, maybe forever, and maybe they should

Reminders of old ways, pieces of creation that have a right to exist, just not for their old purpose

Pieced together from family, society, broken hearts passed down from generation to generation

The tethers that bound me gave me drive, purpose, motivation – but in service of what?

Answer that question for yourself!

All untethered now

None of these things were created by me. Borrowed and repurposed and made my own. They saved me, gave me place, purpose, armor, shape and form

I wore them out, tattered them out until they didn’t fit anymore. I fought and screamed and bit and struggled. I gave up and fought more

But who was this “I”? This me at the center of it all?

Hah, there is no center!

Was I the fighting, the armor or the urge to free? – or maybe the untethered soul sitting dark in the womb, scared and anxious and naked…unknown. Maybe that’s who I’ll be as I emerge, unknown.

In this dark womb, anxiety, unformed, not old and not yet new. Maybe no new should take its place.

Maybe it should remain unformed. Alive, threads like streams, flowing, dancing, bumping into things, but untethered and free.

But where’s the peace in this, as the shadows again take form and I fight some more, forgetting that I am unborn?

Stop, just stop it all, for a moment or more and remember. This moment, this full and complete moment – with birds and body, feelings flowing around and within, wind shimmering trees, the air alive, crisp, electric and full.

Sighs and breaths and the living moment, unknown and full.

~ Damon Farnum, May 2022

My heart and body cannot accept it.

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How can one man, one man like Putin make such a disastrous impact on the world. Of course, there have been many others, are many others today, right now, but still, one man?

My heart and body cannot accept it. That one man can make such a dark and terrible hole in the world. Yet it is happening, has happened, and will happen again.

You will say, but he isn’t one man. There have to be others aligning behind him, in agreement, others in ignorance, others in greed for power, complicit others, fearful and broken others, or he would be nothing.

Sure, that’s true, but he is also the tip of the spear. Every spear has a tip.

Nonduality insists that this man, this whole Ukrainian disastrous war, have a place.

It exists so it must have a place inside of me, yet it doesn’t. I can’t. I won’t accept that such horror is true, now. I can’t bear to accept that this is possible. I mean, really??? Are we still doing this to each other in the world, today, right now????

Yes, we are. So, the place inside of me that can’t accept all of this is given a place.

And then, just like that, the horrible acceptance starts to have its place too.

I have this illusion that somehow, by giving it its place, inside of me, that it will change it, become more pleasant somehow, more “finding its place in all of creation” type of thing. That by being allowed to exist inside of me it will somehow feel better. That was wrong. That was my old “spiritual bypass/wishful thinking” chiming in.

By having its place it actually feels horrible, broken, wrong, but also alive, chest to back, head to pelvis, all the way into the legs, a vibrational living pain – to bear the truth that such horribleness exists and there is nothing I can do to stop it from existing…

Sure, I can do my best to bring light into the world, and will always, but the acceptance of the truth of the existence of such horribleness, such intentional destroying of families, of lives, tearing apart people’s bodies, creating more fear and agony – soul shattering pain being inflicted.

To be in this world I have to accept that sometimes I can not accept the worst in people and how it spreads like a virus, taking hold in others where there is already a root of possibility, a mirror that recognizes the cruelty, the holes in us where it takes root. For God’s sake, for all our sakes, look for your own holes, look for your broken threads.

Look for the closed parts of your heart even when you think there are none.

Find them and welcome them in – or find them and welcome in the part of you that cannot accept that these places even exist inside of you too – then, maybe when darkness comes knocking it won’t have as much a place to take hold.

Please, for all our sakes.